"Open the barrel"

Recognize when a barrel is opened in an argument

When someone opens a barrel, it usually means that they are confronting you with allegations that are not currently under discussion.

• But often you are so emotionally charged during an argument that you only notice too late when such a barrel is opened. The consequences can be that you lapse into rash actions and arguments yourself, which you get annoyed afterwards.
• But that does not have to be the case if you make yourself aware in the discussion when it is actually no longer the actual topic, but old things are being brought up.
• In order to achieve this, it can help you to take a kind of bird's eye view over and over again in a dispute. You look from the outside at what is happening between the two of you and can then briefly ask yourself what is currently going on.

Don't lapse into justifications

If you feel like someone is tapping into you, try to be calm about them.

• The first step is to recognize such situations in good time. If you can do this, you should end the discussion as soon as possible. Suggest that if you are both less emotionally aroused, you should talk about the real topic.
• If you still get involved in the discussion, it can be helpful to ask specifically which topic this is actually about. This can save you valuable time as your partner thinks about it at that moment. You can use this time to downgrade yourself emotionally.
• Then when you bring up the underlying topic, try not to fall into justifications, but rather to stick to your opinion over and over again. In order to take the drama out of the whole argument, it can be helpful if you ask your partner what he would like at this moment. This often takes you a big step closer to the solution.